The Top 3.25 Way’s You Really Should Handle Customer Service (A Parody)

The Top 3.25 Way’s You Really Should Handle Customer Service (A Parody)

Hello I’m Ty Sullivan the Director of Truths in Customer Service or as I like to say “DT’s in CustServ”.

You know, we always have customer service “guru’s, “jedi’s”, “Lords of Sweetness” telling us how to properly coddle guests when they have had an “incident” or “very disappointing” experience in our establishments. We are conditioned to make them feel better, hand them the world on a plate and let them think we sincerely care about them and their sniveling situation that my handy little script can fix after I leave them waiting on hold for 41 minutes.

Here at ICK (Institute of Customer Knowledge) we take a realistic approach to handling those conniving “you owe me something for my trouble” cry babies and give them a dose of reality in Customer Care.

 

Email: When a guest encounters a situation with your product and attempts to reach you via email, we recommend letting that individual wait until their third attempt at trying to contact before you respond. This email will likely harbor the threat of contacting the BBB and reporting you. YAWN! Yeah, we’ve never heard that one before. Good luck with their pencil pushers!

Social Media: You know, so many people today use social media channels such as Twitter or Facebook to try to put your company on the spot and embarrass you in public. First rule is to let them eat internet static for a day or two and lay low just to get them riled up. Then take that time to research their personal Facebook photo’s, scan through their posts and gain an arsenal to hurl at them about them on a personal level when you finally do respond. Alert them to the fact you know where they live and you will repost that pic of them passed out in a hot tub with beer cans parading around their head like Fleet Week ships in a harbor. If this fails, tell them you will systematically go after all their friends.

Calls: The best part of this one is the above mentioned wait time that you can make a guest wait until they get a human responder after running through the gauntlet of button pressing options to get them somewhere even remotely close to a “customer service” rep who is trained to sound sincere because “your call matters to us”. Now, most systems are of course set up with the threat that “this call may be monitored for training purposes”. We her at ICK recommend this warning instead; “This call may be recorded to playback to you so you can hear how colossally pathetic you sound and used to post as a .wav file on your Facebook and Twitter account so all your so called “friends” can hear what a whiner you are.

Calls-The Sequel: Or you can just do the classic disconnect of the call about 38 minutes into the wait time after the robotic inhuman voice informs them their call is only 2 minutes away from being answered by the next representative.

If you enroll your company in the ICK program we guarantee you REAL results in an honest fashion that we feel guests and customers will eventually, one day, understand and appreciate. If you are unsatisfied with the program in any way at all, you will receive nothing back and several monthly reminder letters that you owe us for services rendered.

Also if you act now you will receive this lovely lunar pen that makes the little space ship move back and forth when you move it to write….God it is so much fun! Just like being an astronaut! ZOOOOOM! WHOOOOOOOOOSH!

Just call 1-888-666-ICKK today and good luck getting through!

3 Comments

  1. Ty… you rock! Congrats on launching your site. I know you’ll serve up great stuff here. I’m looking forward to your thoughts 🙂 Go get ’em!

  2. Ty, loved it. Personally experienced a new “best practice” to add to the 3.25 yesterday. When your POS (in both senses of the acronym) terminal acts up, blame it on the customer. Guaranteed to bring them back to your business every time.

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Who Is Ty Sullivan?

Ty Sullivan is the Director of Marketing and Social Media for one of New York City's top restaurant management groups. He also speaks, teaches and designs Customer Service seminars as well as blogs on the subject.

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